Slow footsteps on a creaky stairwell. A door slightly ajar. The wind howling low through the trees. Ghosts. Graveyards. Yep, it’s time for Halloween!

Ignoring the question of how in the year of our Lord 2020 it is possibly mid-October, we are arriving at Halloween and All Saints Day pretty soon. And even though observing these days is probably going to be pretty different for most of us, some questions remain. People are usually telling ghost stories and taking tours of graveyards and doing all sorts of creepy stuff having to do with death, so naturally, the youngest humans among us are going to have questions! (For basic history of Halloween and All Saints Day, go here to learn more! And for an awesome theology of Halloween, go here!)

Here’s some basic things to remember when talking with kids about death:

• Death is mentionable. It’s ok to talk about death. Death is a natural part of life. Every person on the planet is born and every person will also die.

• Death doesn’t need to be scary, and the best way to talk about it is to….talk about it. As an adult, you may have your own questions, fears and qualms about death, and that’s ok. You don’t need to have all the answers to talk with children in your life about death and dying.

• Be curious. If kids have questions, invite them to wonder about them. Help them find answers by doing some research in books or on the Internet. It’s not morbid, it’s learning!

• Affirm the bodily process of death. There is a specific way that human bodies begin to shut down, and it’s actually really interesting. If considering a scientific process helps with questions around death, then learn together! (note: the links above contain graphic information about bodies during and after the process of dying)

  • This also goes for funerals. If there’s an open casket, let kids decide their boundaries about if they want to go up close or stay away. Dead bodies don’t have to be scary, but we should respect them, so work with children to figure out where their curiosity and anxieties are.

• Acknowledge ritual. Humans have been marking life stages and transitions for thousands and thousands of years…really, since the beginning of humans! Though people in USAmerican society will often talk about what they want their funeral to be like, funerals or memorial services or celebrations of life are really more for those left behind to process their loss. Rituals can help people through grief by sharing experiences with the loved one, crying, laughing, remembering and honoring them.

  • Sometimes people think young kids don’t need to go to a funeral or wouldn’t want to go. It can be helpful to tell kids what this ritual is for, what will go on there and why people find it cathartic. Help them make their own decision about how they want to honor their loved one.

• Books, books, books. There aren’t a lot of great children’s books about death, but I thought I’d recommend at least one I love. The End of Something Wonderful is a book about a child whose pet dies and the family has to figure out how to process this. Check it out!

  • Pet deaths are often the first contact children have with death. And these events can be really big and emotional—that’s ok. Allow space for grief, for memory and for ritually marking the pet’s death.

• Learn about how different cultures understand death.

  • If there are Dia de los Muertos events near you, explore going to one and learning about the tradition of the Day of the Dead. Also, the Disney movie Coco might also be a good way to start conversations with younger children. And check out this brief discussion guide for Coco (and Up!)

  • Pagan observances of the holiday Samhain (one of the origins of Halloween) may also be available near you.

  • Explore the culture around English Victorian death and mourning practices.

  • Seek to learn from the indigenous peoples on whose land you live. It would be fascinating to learn how these first peoples honor life cycles, in the past and today!

  • As you learn about cultures that may be different from your own, practice healthy appreciation and not appropriation. Learn about the difference here. (This is especially important when considering Halloween costumes).

• Explore what the Bible says about death. Maybe you want to read the story of Lazarus (John 11) or Jesus’ death (Luke 23). Maybe you’re interested in what happens after you die (see Revelation 21:4; Romans 14:8; Ecclesiastes 12:7; Psalm 23; Matthew 5:4).

  • Hint….use your pastor as a resource!

• Honor All Saints Day. The first Sunday of November is when many Christian churches honor the saints of the church who have gone before us, and mark the deaths that have occurred over the past year. This ritual often involves candles and bell-ringing and reading people’s names. Just hearing the names of deceased loved ones can be very emotional, and also cathartic. What does your church do? How will your church observe the ritual this year? Can you do a similar ritual in your home?

  • Set up your own altar space or memory space in your home. Put photos of loved ones and candles there. This could be a good place to gather your family to do your own candle lighting and bell-ringing.

• Practice conversations with boundaries. For example, set a time limit to talk about death (or anything else that is uncomfortable or scary). Or set boundaries around how you have these conversations: only in the daytime, not before bedtime, around the dinner table, only in the car, etc. Make sure to offer options to the children around you so they can pick what they are comfortable with.

  • Speaking personally, I had a lot of fear and anxiety while I was growing up…and the best time to talk about what was making me scared/sad/anxious was definitely not right before bedtime.

Grown-ups, you can do this. The fact that you are reading this article means that you love children and want to help them understand death at this time of year. Please do not hesitate to reach out to your pastor, doctor, counselor or local funeral director or any other professionals who regularly deal with death and grief. They probably have some great resources! Know that the God of Life and Love is with you always, through the questions and concerns and wonderings and fears, through all of your life.

Note: for more resources on talking to kids about death and dying, go here.

Let’s chat!

What other rituals would you add?

What questions do kids in your life have about death, Halloween or All Saints Day? What questions do you have?

How did you learn about death and dying as a young human? Share your story in the comments!